Metallic Onslaught Show Archive

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; Alright, admittedly I wasn't there for a good portion of the show. Truth be told, Josh and Joe were pretty much on their own, since Rick, Billiam, and myself had all gone to see the Carnival Of Madness stop in Canandaigua.

Steve Papagiorgio had stopped in, along with the members of Lowkey. They were on hand to promote the upcoming Hage Fest, a whole weekend of metal music! Looks like they've got a helluva lineup, including local and non-local talent. I'd say it's probably going to be a must-see, and I'm pretty sure I heard mention of our own Rick Horton emceeing the show on that Saturday. Hell, work permitting, ya might even see a Wulf out there!

Billiam and I arrived shortly after 11:30, and we were more than happy to share the events of our evening.

I'm still seeing tentacles. Kinda played it down on Friday night, though. I figure we can get all this hashed out when Jeffie returns to the show this Friday night, maybe find out exactly what's going on here...
Maybe it's time to share the message with everybody else!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; I think we experienced some kind of record in the early portion of the show, as Jeffie joined us at approximately 9:15 p.m. My GOD! He's NEVER that early! What the hell?
Then he explained that he was just showing up late from last week, which kind of ruined our moment, damn him!
Anyhoo, it wasn't much later that we were joined by Steve Papagiorgio. Surprisingly enough, he and I didn't attempt to kill each other for THE ENTIRE NIGHT!!!
That's gotta be another kind of record! Man, we're on a roll, lately!


Of course, it also could have had something to do with the fact that we had a band in the studio that night, as well. Amelia Is Dead, from Syracuse, were kind enough to join us for a couple of hours.
What can I say about Amelia Is Dead? Sound-wise, think of a hybrid of Flyleaf (with heavier guitars), Otep, and Kittie. At least those are bands that come to my mind when I hear them.
I actually caught their performance at the Women's Right To Rock Festival in Seneca Falls roughly three weeks ago, and I loved the live show. Definitely some high energy and aggressiveness from the boys in the band, and vocalist Stephanie Smile has got a scream that will pretty well curdle your brains after she pierces your eardrums.
They also recently got to perform at the Darien Lake stop of the Van's Warped Tour, which I believe is the biggest show they've played so far. I think it's safe to say that there's loads of potential there, and I wouldn't be surprised to see bigger and better shows in their future.
All in all, had a damned good time hanging with them, and I believe we'll be seeing more of them in the coming months, quite possibly with an acoustic performance in the studio! Something to look forward to!

So, I don't remember much of what happened after the band left.
Truth is, I was kept muzzled throughout the evening, particularly while Amelia Is Dead were visiting. I'm assuming this had to do with the fact that I was still seeing tentacles. Part of me wants to take comfort in the fact that Jeffie and even Steve could see them, which tells me that maybe I'm really NOT going crazy!

Of course, Steve says he was seeing tentacles AND testicles, so I don't even want to fucking speculate as to what's up with that shit...

Anyway, I was able to slip the muzzle off once or twice, thankfully. Damned thing was uncomfortable as hell, truth be told. Don't even fully understand why they felt the need for it, I suppose they felt I might embarrass them in front of the band or something...

But, as I was saying, it was after the band left that things get blurry. All I remember is waking up in the basement of the studio and Bill helping me out shortly thereafter. Good thing he showed up, too, or he may not have gotten me to my 25-year class reunion in time!
Got the story from Bill in the meantime, though, and it seems that I just went completely bat-fuck insane during a music break. I guess I was screaming "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!", over and over, and attacking the walls, not to mention beating the utter shit out of Animal, who we'd had propped up in a safe place while the band was there. I guess this prompted Joe to lure me into the basement, and lock me in there until I calmed down.
All I can say is I hope I didn't damage Animal too badly, and I hope Joe's not gonna be too pissed that Bill broke me out again!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; More or less a quiet evening, which, as usual, meant a greater focus on music. Pretty much the way it should be!
Early discussions focused on last week's Battery show in Clyde, still can't believe the tribute band played longer than Metallica could ever have dreamed of...wow...
We also somehow got on the topic of "Shandi", a tune that is historically significant only because it is the absolute WORST KISS SONG EVER WRITTEN!!!
To be brutally honest, I'd rather listen to "Music From The Elder", front to back, a thousand times over, than ever have to hear "Shandi" again...
Believe me, I'm pretty sure the listening audience got a damned good dose of just how bad this song is when I started singing snippets of it on the air. Honestly, I don't mind the occasional breaking into song thing, but belting out "Shandi" left me feeling just a little nauseous.
Damn, I'm gettin' queasy just thinking about it...mmmph...
Jesus Christ, it's no wonder Peter and Ace left the fuckin' band...

Discussing "Shandi" seemed to leave a bad taste in all our mouths, so it's a damned good thing Rick mentioned that a Cold Stone Creamery had just opened in the Tim Horton's, which is conveniently located a short distance up the road from the station. Yep, an ice cream break was just what the doctor ordered, and I strongly recommend the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection!
Mmmmmm, ice cream!

Around the time that we would normally have been expecting Jeffie, we got word from him via phone and text that he couldn't make it, due to bus issues. Somebody mentioned tires, to be precise, prompting me to ask if he'd tried taking the square ones off...
Rick (or was it Joe? hmmmm...) mentioned that Jeffie should just try the old Fred Flintstone technique, to which I replied that Jeffie actually looks more like Captain Caveman...
Seems that Jeffie had also mentioned that the show would be fine in my hands.
Okay, so does it seem to anybody else that getting a vote of confidence from Jeffie is a bit of a dubious honor? Anybody else not quite trusting that?
Yeah, thought so...

So, no Jeffie meant that reading the listings for upcoming shows fell into Joe's hands. Eventually we got onto a discussion of some of the free shows coming to the State Fair this year, and there's actually a pretty good line-up, if you're looking for some rock. Of particular interest to me are Blue Oyster Cult (who I just recently saw in Farmington, and they were GREAT!), Kansas, Coheed And Cambria (yes, they are performing for FREE!), and Jackyl.
Now, personally I was pretty excited about Jackyl, but it seems the other guys just don't share my appreciation for some good ol' redneck rock. Not even breaking into a little bit of "I Stand Alone" could sway them, and I happen to think that's a pretty bad-ass song!
Guess it all boils down to taste, and we all have our preferences on the Metallic Onslaught. Part of what makes it a good solid show, if you ask me!

So, it seems that in some ways I really wasn't keeping it together very well on the show that night.
I can't remember much of what Jeffie had whispered in my ear last week, but I can definitely say that something is really, REEEAAALLY weird. I mean, all I saw that night were tentacles! Little by little, throughout the evening, there were more and more of them! At first, it was just one or two caressing Josh's shoulder, and then there was a mass of them all over the place by the end of the night!
And nobody else could see them! What the fuck is up with that? How could they NOT see all of that green, slimy squishiness?
Of course, knowing what I saw and where those tentacles were going, maybe it's just as well that they couldn't see anything...

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; Now, last week I explained some of my reservations about resurrecting Jeffie. Tough decision, and I'd actually told the other guys on the show that I wasn't going to do it...
But, of course I did...
I mean, come on, Azkath just would have sent more. Hell, there was apparently one night before I joined up where there were 40 Jeffies, and they had to kill 39 of them!
In the end, I decided that it would be the lesser of two evils to just go ahead and resurrect the Jeffie that was sacrificed last week...
Of course, there was that whole bath thing to take care of. After a week of rotting in the heat, Jeffie's corpse was in pretty rough shape. I mean, we had to clean chipmunk nests out of his hair! EWWWWW!!!
Of course, the chipmunks themselves just served as a little snack for me. Hey, waste not, want not!
Josh had even contributed to the bath by adding a little of this and that to at least make Jeffie smell a little better when he came back.
So, at least he was nice and lemon-y fresh when he came downstairs, completely bare-assed naked...
I never, EVER want to see that again...
Anyway, when it came time for Jeffie to reveal God's plan to The Metallic Onslaught, he revealed that none of us were worthy of hearing it.
Well, with the exception of me...
Admittedly, I was a little skeptical about being the only person on the show who was deserving of this...ummm...honor..., and I almost didn't go for it. But in the end...Ia...
I did...Ia...
And the word of God...Cthulhu...apparently drove me...Fhtagn...
quite...
insane...
To be honest, I really don't remember much...something about seals and singing "Strawberry Fields"...
Hmmmmmmm...
Hey, look, a tentacle!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; Fun night, overall. Not only did we have Dave from Spater on hand for a couple of hours, we actually had the entire BAND in the studio! Which was cool as hell, 'cuz they've got a great show coming up this Saturday night at Donselaar's in Clyde. Yep, Spater is opening for Battery, the only Metallica tribute band that is ACTUALLY APPROVED BY METALLICA! Now, I've seen Battery, and I'll tell ya something: They are as close as you can get to the real deal without forking over roughly $90.00 a ticket. Yes, THEY ARE THAT GOOD!
Of course, if you're not a Metallica fan, you probably won't care, and that's okay! For my part, I'm gonna be there throwin' the horns and giving myself a case of whiplash...hopefully DURING Whiplash!

By the way, this recap is being typed as i enjoy my very last cigarette...or what I HOPE to be my last cigarette! It ain't gonna be easy for the next couple of days, but your fuzzy friend here is bound and determined that he's kickin' the habit! Just be careful approaching me the next couple of days, I might nip...

Anyhoo...

Well, I waited an awful long time to do this, but it has finally happened. I've experienced my very first Jeffie death on the show!
Now, if you remember correctly, I had to sacrifice Jeffie in order for him to reveal God's plan for the Metallic Onslaught. Of course, leave it to him to reveal that his death would have to take place during the last talk break of the evening. Then he tells us that his body has to rot in the studio before we resurrect him on the next show, using the same "Resurrection Bath" that was used on Josh as a trial run.
So, yes, in the closing moments of the show, I went on a little rampage of Jeffie destruction, and after what seemed like an eternity, he finally died. Which was my cue to break out that little Wal-Mart greeting card that plays the Hamster Dance. This was followed by Joe playing Angtoria's "God Has A Plan For Us All", as I felt it was a fitting piece of music.

Now, I've got a few reservations about how all this is going to turn out.
Here's the deal: Jeffie's, as I understand it, are clones of Jeff The Radio Guy, who in turn is a clone of the Demon Azkath from The Last Exit For The Lost, our sister show. Before, when a Jeffie died, Azkath would just send another along.
However, this time we're resurrecting a Jeffie, and I'm a little leery about some complications that could occur.
I mean, is it possible that this Jeffie could come back to life worse than before he died? Will he be altered in some horrible way? Will it even work? What if the bath wasn't prepared properly?
And even worse! What is Azkath sends ANOTHER Jeffie clone, anyway? Can we really handle a new Jeffie and a resurrected Jeffie?
I'm a little nervous about how this next show is gonna go, I have to admit!
Well, regardless of what transpires next, at least we'll have some good music to enjoy before the shit hits the fan!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; So, we weren't really expecting anybody as far as guests this week, pretty much figuring most of the focus would be on the music. Hey, it IS a radio show after all! But, unexpected things happen...
There were some technical difficulties in the early going, but thankfully we got them squared away in a somewhat timely manner. Be thankful you couldn't hear what was going on in the station in the first five to ten minutes or so, there would have been some interesting things heard as some of us explored our range of creative profanity. Okay, maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but it's just as well it didn't make it over the airwaves!

Probably the most unexpected event of the evening was the return of Lance! Yeah, you read that correctly, after a hiatus of about six months or so (some would suggest years, but that was all in good fun!) Lance dropped in to catch up with us. He was kind enough to share some recently acquired music, and true to form it was heavy on the 80's glam. Hey, no complaints here, for the most part. Although I think we could have done without that Heavy Pettin' song, and to be honest, that re-recording of Dokken's "Tooth And Nail" probably wasn't the greatest thing ever. Musically, pretty sound, but I think Don's vocals were much better the first time around!
All in all, I'd say we were all pretty pleased that he showed up, though, and he promises it won't be another six months between visits.
Hmmmm...time shall tell...

Forgot to mention something about the closing moments of last week's show: Jeffie felt he needed a little reminder of what exactly God's message for the Onslaught was, so he asked if I had any more of those mushrooms. At first I told him that he'd already eaten them all, but it turned out that there were a handful or so left, which he immediately ate in the closing moments.
Well, once he showed up for this week's fun, we asked him how it all went. He knew of two things:
A. He'd been told that Lance would show up. Ummmm, yeah, easy enough to say after the fact Jeff-ward, try again...
B. He said that he would have to be killed on the show, by me. And then resurrected in the same manner that Josh had been. Seems Josh was just a test subject, to see if the process would work.

So, next week, I get to kill Jeffie and then give him the "Resurrection Bath"! Of course, I'm pretty eager to take part in my first "Jeffie Death", so I'm gonna take some time to decide exactly how I'm going to do this. I'll try to make it as memorable as possible!

We also had another edition of Jeffie's new talk show, "Long And Deep With Jeffie: Banging It In And Filling It Up All Night, Now With No Llamas", with Lance as his first guest.
Attempts at getting any insight into Lance's whereabouts over the recent months proved to be mostly fruitless, with Lance mostly commenting on just how much of an idiot Jeffie is. Really, the most that was revealed had something to do with taking a Red Rocket to Uranus, and I really don't think most folks wanna hear about that...

Oh, and how could I forget! My brother Bill was on hand again to hang with us, and we'd brought our own little special guest. Seriously, one man's trash is another's treasure, and as soon as Bill and I saw that life-sized plushie of Animal from The Muppet Show at a local yard sale, we immediately knew there'd be a place for him in conjunction with the show! We'll be bringin' him back for some fun, guaranteed! In the meantime, you'll see him in this week's photos once they're posted!

Yep, that pretty much covers the major bases, I'd say. Although, I would like to mention that no hedgehogs were actually harmed on the show that night. Hey, it's not OUR fault that some toy maker decided to make a hedgehog finger puppet, with the finger hole directly where the poor hedgehogs bunghole would be!
It WAS funny as hell, though!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; Okay, so one of those nights where things didn't go quite according to plan. Sorrow Of Batavia couldn't make it, and there was no sign of Richard Venice or Dewey, but hell, that's alright. These circumstances usually just mean more focus on music, and maybe just a little more random silliness. Not such a bad thing, really!

I got the guys laughing pretty hard early on in the show as we all shared a Beavis And Butthead moment. I've been able to do a solid imitation of Mr. Anderson's voice for years, and it's always good for a chuckle, but this went on for a good chunk of the talk break, and at one point I'm pretty sure I had Rick in tears from laughing so hard!
Hey, just a sign that I'm doing something right!

Josh departed a little early, and there was some speculation as to why. We think it may have been because I didn't let him ride me around the parking area again. Hey, what the hell does he want? I'm a werewolf, not a damned pony! Besides, once should be enough!
Jeeeeeez...

Jeffie continued his doubtful ways as to my status as a lycanthropic terror. Jeeez, this guy just doesn't give up!
He even went so far as to introduce a new interview segment called "Long And Deep With Jeffie: Banging It In, Filling Up All Night (Now With Extra Llamas!)".
Gotta give him credit, he pulled through with the llamas. There were probably about half a dozen or so roaming around the studio.
So, we had our little interview, and I had to go into the whole back story of my origins as a werewolf again. For those who missed out on the story when I first appeared on the show, here's a synopsis:

In January of 1984 (the week of my 18th birthday!), Ozzy Osbourne came to Rochester, NY on his Bark At The Moon tour. This was my first show, and on my way back to the car I got separated from my friends somehow. I'd found my way to the backstage area and ended up getting knocked loopy by what I suspect was a whiskey bottle thrown by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, who were the opening act on that tour.
Anyhoo...
I returned to consciousness to discover somebody urinating heavily near my prone body. Now, this really didn't sit well with me, and when I looked up and started yelling at the person to stop, I noticed it was Ozzy himself!
Well, Ozzy didn't take too well to my verbal lashings, and he immediately transformed into a werewolf in front of me! (Just think of the Bark At The Moon cover, you'll know what I mean!) And then, he BIT ME!!!!
Well, from that night on, I not only transformed on the full moon, but I also changed whenever heavy metal music played!
Yeah, life sure got interesting after that!
Anyway, there's more to the tale, especially the events that led Steve Papagiorgio to discover me in Mexico, but that's a story for another day.
Maybe...

Further interrogation into the "hands coming off" incident occurred, and I just couldn't seem to convince him that I'm having a little problem in the excess shedding department.
I don't think Jeffie's gonna let go of this any time soon. Oh well, what ya gonna do?

The evening came to a close amidst a small amount of bloody carnage in the station. Hey, it was a full moon, and those llamas were DAMNED tasty!
Hell, I ate like a king in that last half hour, and imagine my surprise when Foul Mouth Girl decided to jump in to make a kill!
Wow, I never took her for the blood-thirsty type!
As for Jeffie, he ended the night in shock, crying over the massacre of his beloved furry llama friends.
Me? Hell, I just used a chunk of rib bone to pick my teeth!