Metallic Onslaught Show Archive

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; Well, I made a bit of a slip in the first talk break, I must admit. Joe had played Armored Saint's "Can U Deliver" in the opening set of music, and I confessed on the air that I'd almost creamed myself... Okay, so it had been awhile since I'd heard it, and I was pretty pumped. Can ya blame me? Anyway, that little slip only led to things spiraling downward very quickly in the early going of the show, especially when Steve Papagiorgio showed up. Yeah, he walked in, much to our surprise, and proceeded to hand me something, saying "Read this, Wulfie." Turns out it was a subpoena, and that he was planning on suing me for NOT BEING A WOLF! That son of a bitch! I promptly reminded Steve that he'd been in on the whole gimmick from the beginning, and that he knew full well that I wasn't really a werewolf, but he wasn't having it, telling me I'd better get a lawyer. Now, I can't quite remember who it was who mentioned this, but somebody suggested that Just Joe from The Last Exit For The Lost could represent me in court. Forgive me if I'm a little hesitant about jumping on that... From there, Joe threatened to sue Steve in return, because he isn't really a cyborg, meaning he isn't really made of metal! Oddly enough, for some reason I started sneezing at the mention of "metal". It got worse, too, because the more somebody said "metal", the more I sneezed. Something definitely wasn't right, and I mentioned that I was pretty sure something had happened when Bill, Rick, and myself had gone to visit The Last Exit the week before. Rick said that he knew what was going on, but he was sworn to secrecy. Hmmmmm...maybe Jeffie would know what was going on, assuming he wasn't still in rehab.

Cuss Muffin had joined us once again, as there was a derby bout on the next night. Joe, Rick, Josh, and I were all in attendance for that, by the way, and we had a great time cheering the Roc Stars to victory over the Boston B Party! Anyhoo, it's always great to have Cuss on the show, and she was even kind enough to bring along some brownies and cookies as a gesture of thanks for passing Animal over to her. Seems Animal has been repaired and holds a special spot in her home, which is great because I think the poor guy wouldn't have survived too much longer on the Onslaught!

Jeffie arrived eventually, and he promptly informed me that he was going to make me pay his rehab bill... WHAT?!?!?!?! Now, Papagiorgio's news was bad enough, but for Jeffie to say I was going to have to cover the rehab expenses, well, that was just a bit much, right there! On top of that, I was in pretty rough shape from sneezing all night at the mere mention of "metal". Jeffie actually made a call to Azkath to get to the bottom of the situation, and to see if there was any way to stop it.

Now, on a previous edition of The Last Exit, Just Joe had been hypnotized and was asked to envision what the Earth would be like after December of 2012. Apparently he'd seen a lot of terrible things, like rabbits...BURNING RABBITS! Hordes of 'em, and lots of tentacles, which we've come to learn are actually Shoggoths. Well, that explains a lot right there, doesn't it? I KNEW that Jeffie's word of God was anything but! More like the word of ELDER GODS!!! Anyhoo, during our recent visit to The Last Exit, Azkath had hypnotized me to get some insight into Just Joe's vision. Sure enough, I saw the burning bunnies, and the Shoggoths, and something far, FAR WORSE!!! Nope, can't think of that one, WAAAAAY too terrible to mention! Anyhow, while in that hypnotic state, Azkath had planted the suggestion in my brain that anytime I heard the word "metal", I'd become allergic to wolves, and being a wolf, well... Okay, that certainly explained the problem, but how about getting rid of it? Seems that all I had to do was envision the "unspeakable horror" I'd seen in my vision, and I'd stop sneezing. So, reluctantly I tried to remember what I'd seen, and sure enough, once I'd remembered that, the sneezing stopped. Of course, I'm still left with that vision of The Unspeakable, so things aren't really much better...

Now, in my previous recap I mentioned that Bill and I had paid a visit to The Last Exit For The Lost, where we approached the Demon Azkath about Jeffie and the fact that he totally ruined my perfectly good werewolf gimmick. Azkath had suggested a solution that would possibly make Jeffie stupider, and hopefully more tolerable and less annoying. Well, I'm glad to tell you all that it seemed to work! Yep, seems there's this cool little phenomenon called I-dosing. It uses audio stimulation to produce effects that are similar to drugs, be it marijuana, ecstasy, or acid. I'm sure there are others as well. Well, Bill acquired an i-dose version of ecstasy, which we then exposed Jeffie to. We'd explained to him that it would just make him more awesome, although he didn't seem to believe he could become any awesomer. In the end, we convinced him that it would work, and the end result was very much to our approval. Docile, quiet, not in the least annoying, and just dumb enough to be fooled by the wolf get-up! Yep, I'd have to say problem solved! I mean, what could possibly go wrong now?