Metallic Onslaught Show Archive

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Recap by The Metal Wulf; This night should have been relatively calm and uneventful. Honestly, there was absolutely NO REASON for things to go as abysmally and catastrophically wrong as they did. But...they did...So, Rick was hosting in place of Joe, who was attending Tran-Siberian Orchestra's show in Rochester that night. Will Polson was in the control room with Rick, while Josh, Bill, and I were in our usual places, and the night was off to a pretty good start.We also had a new person on hand. Remember how I'd jokingly mentioned we needed a Mommy in the Stupid Room a few months back? Well, we now have someone to fill that position, and I must say that Lindsey was taking to the job eagerly. I, myself, ended up with two time-outs...

There was much rejoicing in the studio in the early going, as Rick and I explained how I'd killed Jeffie the week before. This turn of events came to pass on an edition of The Last Exit For The Lost, our sister show in Ithaca. Guilty confession time: I had actually considered that visit to The Last Exit as a defection from The Metallic Onslaught. After events during our Halloween show, I'd decided I needed to get away from Jeffie permanently, and considering he's not allowed on The Last Exit...You see where I was going? Well, that particular night on The Last Exit was they're Tribute To The Past Russian Roulette show. No new music was played, and the Russian Roulette aspect comes from a random selection of songs that are played. Any songs that fall into the category of overplayed, cheesy, or covers are considered "bullets", and if a bullet plays, somebody has to draw a slip of paper from a bag. Written on the slip is a random action or activity that the person must carry out. At some point, somebody pulled a slip with Jeffie's name on it, meaning that Jeffie had to be called to come to The Last Exit... Seriously, what are the frickin' odds?Well, as soon as Jeffie got there, I was on him like white on rice, bludgeoning him to death with a liter bottle of Mountain Dew and disemboweling him with a piece of broken record. What's even worse is that, in my rage, I seem to have torn what was left of Jeffie in half, literally grabbing a butt cheek in each hand and TEARING! Yeah, it was a hell of a mess! By the end of that night on The Last Exit, I'd reconsidered my decision to leave the Onslaught, and not just because we didn't have Jeffie to worry about anymore. I became the subject of a bullet, and my slip of paper simply said "Porno Joe". Meaning that Just Joe gave me a lap dance, much to my sheer terror...

So, with all that in mind and knowing that Jeffie wouldn't be tormenting us anymore, Rick was cool enough to play some Jackyl for me, thinking we could get away with it in Joe's absence. Hey, I saw absolutely no harm in enjoying "The Lumberjack"!

Well, somebody else seemed to think that it was a bad idea...

Imagine our surprise when the Demon Azkath himself showed up! The guy came in with Foul Mouth Girl and Just Joe, and proceeded to not only chloroform Rick, but he also took over the show! AND HE BLAMED ME!!! Not just for playing Jackyl, either, he'd also admitted that Jeffie's death was part of it, as well as some previous invasions by the Onslaught. Invasions by the Onslaught? Now, he couldn't possibly have meant our interrupting their interview with Moore a couple months ago? Hell, that was just all in good fun! Okay, so Azkath's the kind of guy who seems to carry a grudge, and this was his method of payback. On top of everything else, when Rick regained consciousness, HE blamed me for the takeover as well! Hell, if I'd known playing Jackyl would spark that kind of reaction, I'd have left well enough alone. Funny thing is, Rick grudgingly agreed that Azkath had been doing a good job in the control room, prompting the Demon to relinquish control of the show back to Rick. Now, one would think that things would have gone a little more smoothly, but I'd been really leary around Just Joe that evening. He claimed that he didn't remember giving me the lap dance that night on The Last Exit, but he sure didn't waste any time stripping to his boxers and bouncing on my lap again! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Yeah, it was too much to take, and I ran for it. Don't know how the rest of the evening went, but I'd had enough!So, here's hoping that the next show will be back to normal, and that Joe won't be too angry at the turn of events during his absence...