Metallic Onslaught Show Archive

Had a brief visit from some of the extended Onslaught family, as Will and Lindsey dropped in to say hello for a bit. It had actually been quite some time since the two of them had dropped by, so it was fun seeing them. Hard to believe that it's been just over a year since they became parents!

Kudos to Lindsey for being the only person who was nice enough to scratch behind my ears. It felt very nice...

So, before getting to the meat and potatoes of crazy events for the evening, I need to discuss a strange phone call that came for me during the first talk break. 

Some person with a phony accent (think Apu from "The Simpsons"...) mentioned something about how he'd heard I was interested in My Little Pony. He even went so far as to extend an invite to a convention in Las Vegas, where he wanted me to be their keynote speaker for the event...

I was honestly perplexed at first. I mean, I was pretty sure somebody was just fucking with me, but let's face it, crazy shit happens with us sometimes, and I've approached a juncture where very little actually shocks me anymore. Hell, for all I know, there really COULD be some weird sort of Bronie-Con going on. 

Anyhow, I declined, politely explaining to this person that I wasn't remotely interested in anything Bronie-related, in fact I went so far as to inform him that I'd never even heard the term until this past December. 

The guy didn't seem to believe me. In fact, he told me to "stop being a Richard", which roughly translates to don't be a dick (short for Richard...)

I will say this, it was an amusing conversation. Rick and Joe were pretty much losing it based solely on what they could hear on my end of the conversation, which I ended by thanking the caller for listening.

Pretty sure this particular incident warrants an installment of "Randy's Rants", so be on the lookout for that.

Well, it really came as no surprise when Jeffie arrived. As a matter of fact, Azkath's abrupt departure was the first clue that trouble was on the way.

Yep, previously assumed to be shark-bait...imprisoned by Sloth, before he escaped (more on that in a bit...), Jeffie made his return to the Onslaught this past Friday night...and what a return it was...

He started parading around in his underwear (wearing a shirt, at least...), and started pelting us with empty plastic Easter eggs. And instead of fake bunny ears, he was wearing that silly dragon cap of his, which just looked really...well...

Okay, as stupid as it looked, it was pretty fucking funny, I can't deny it.

Still, he pelted us with EMPTY plastic Easter eggs! No chocolate, foiled-wrapped eggs or peanut butter cups, or Peeps (personally, I hate Peeps...), or jelly beans (can take or leave those, as well...), or...well, you get the point.

In all honesty, after getting blasted directly on the right cheek bone, I should be grateful that those eggs had nothing inside them...

Anyhoo, we proceeded to welcome him back to the show by beating the unholy fuck out of him, throwing the eggs back at him, kicking and stomping him into the ground, beating him with his own Easter basket.

Yep, welcome back, Jeffie!

So, once he was capable of movement and semi-coherent speech again, he brought us up to date on all the fun stuff that happened to him after following Joe to Florida earlier this year.

Seems that Jeffie got really bored and decided to take some Twinkies to Sloth. Now, bear in mind, at this point in time there were no Twinkies on the shelves. Oh, maybe some generic, store-brand equivalents here and there, but no real Twinkies. Jeffie managed to find an old box deep on a shelf.

And, for Sloth, this has been an EXTREMELY sensitive subject. I don't think I've ever seen anybody get so emotional over the loss of a snack cake before. The man has truly been in mourning...

So, apparently Jeffie came along with the Twinkie box, but accidentally ate them all on the way, and Sloth just lost it. Freaked out. Beat Jeffie mercilessly, and then locked him in the basement for a couple of months. 

Bear in mind, Sloth actually revealed to us that Jeffie was in his basement just a mere three weeks ago when he dropped in for Ayrdaea's birthday.

So, the following week was when Azkatch received the cryptic message stating simply..."I got out..."

And, that brings us up to date, with Jeffie officially returned to the Onslaught. With that being said, anybody with a secure basement can now feel free to abduct him again, it won't be necessary to inform us of where you're keeping him. 

Awwwww, Hell, who am I kidding...we're pretty well stuck with him again...