Metallic Onslaught Show Archive

We celebrated Rick and Josh's birthdays this week with a Roulette show, but did it a little differently this time. More on that in a bit, though!

So, I don't know what the deal was, but somebody's got a weird sense of humor. On the lines of "Ha ha, it's the night before the full moon, so we're gonna mess with Randy some more". Now, it's been well established that I'm NOT REALLY A WOLF, dammit! I mean, don't people feel it's enough that I've had to cope with actually DYING AND BEING CLONED! Isn't that bad enough? But, noooo, once again I found myself all furry and fanged after blacking out periodically. I hope someone's having fun with all that super glue they're using as they go through all this trouble to mess with my head!
But, yeah, we had a little "Full Moon Madness" in conjunction with the birthday hijinks. It all just added to the chaos, as you'll soon see...

So, eventually Azkath arrived with Foul Mouth Girl and Kal from the Last Exit in tow. Ironically, Kal's birthday was Saturday, so he actually turned 18 while on our show! FMG was joking that we only had a limited time to take advantage of Kal before he turned "legal", but nobody was up for that kind of action.
Sorry, Kal, nothin' personal...

As far as the celebration went, Azkath decided to forego the usual array of "bullets" to be drawn, instead opting for something called the "Wheel Of Satan". Each spin resulted in a fun activity. Of course, there's a slightly different definition of "fun" on our show...

Let's see, first up we all sang "Happy Birthday"...as badly as possible! Which was pretty frickin' bad, I must say...

Next, there was a balloon squash. Kal was chosen to hold the balloon, and I was chosen to squash it on him, in whatever manner I chose. And I chose a standing, lunging maneuver that popped the balloon on the second lunge. Kal then had to endure some splashes as more balloons were handed to him. I'm happy to say that Kal didn't end up broken during this segment.

Tickle Fest was next, with a bunch of us ganging up on Josh and tickling the hell out of him. Poor guy could barely breathe when we were done with him.

This was followed by Hammer Smash with Will, which should be pretty self-explanatory. Basically, Azkath beat the snot out of Will using Thor's hammer.

Next up was Lift The Anvil. Once again, self-explanatory. I'll say this much, major kudos to Will and Joe, who both lifted that thing above their heads. I was happy to get that fucker up to knee level!

Our attempt at a Balloon Room on the Onslaught fell just a little short. We needed another hundred or so to really fill the room in question, but it was still fun. Especially when you consider we were all standing around singing "Mana Mana" while inside it. Added to the silliness nicely!

Next was the opening of the Room Of Jeffies. Yes, we were invaded not by one, not by two, but by FOUR Jeffies throughout the evening, each one dying in relatively short order, and in differing manners. And with Josh disposing of the bodies in some mysterious fashion that nobody was aware of until it was too late.
More on that later...

Rick actually volunteered for the next spin, which was Five Cane Shots. Now, I can attest to the fact that Azkath's Kendo stick is pretty damned solid, but Rick took those shots like a champ. Didn't even flinch, even as he was hit hard enough to actually break the stick...

The next spin had me dancing to MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This". Badly, I might add. Twenty years and a hundred pounds ago I could have torn the floor up to that song, but my knees were really hating me Friday night, and I just sort of wobbled a bit. Actually, what happened next was probably for the best, because Joe started beating me with one of Jeffie's severed hands (we'd already killed a couple by this time...), and then Rick bashed me with a No Parking sign. That got me to stop. In all honesty, that pretty much knocked me senseless for a bit. Seems I had mistaken some of the green balloons for alien boobies, and I was licking them as well as making motor-boating sounds.

So, on to those Jeffie Deaths. The first one was taken out by Rick. I had actually gotten a fun, festive candy cane-shaped pinata and filled it up with enough chocolate to put us all into diabetic comas. I'd also thrown in some other...ummm...surprises...
Rick broke the pinata over Jeffie's head, spilling the chocolate onto the floor, along with four pairs of bikini briefs. Two of which I had worn for previous installments! Will got a mouthful of the infamous No Pants Day man-kini, courtesy of Azkath. Can't remember poor Kal's man-kini experience, but I personally assured him that I had NEVER worn the pair he'd been exposed to. I'd like to clarify, as well, that all pairs that had been worn prior to this show were all thoroughly laundered. No dirty skivvies were used in this segment, I assure you!

The next Jeffie was killed by, well, everybody to be honest. It was actually a Wulfie moment that took him down completely, but all were involved when it all boils down to it.

I hugged the next Jeffie to death, not really meaning to hurt him, but I guess I squeezed a little too hard, and he stumbled a bit, and proceeded to fall head-first into the anvil...

The next, and last, Jeffie had a fuse sticking out of his neck and was filled with explosives. Foul Mouth Girl got to handle this one, taking him to light outside.
On Joe's car...where Josh had stashed the rest of the Jeffie corpses...
So, the resulting explosion not only immolated Joe's car entirely, it also caused a bloody rain of Jeffie chunks to pelt the studio. Next thing we all knew, Josh was going outside and bringing in some of those chunks to feed upon. In fact, it looks like Josh and Kal found Jeffie to be more than a little tasty.
Personally, I've gotta say that Jeffie smells worse cooked than he does alive, which is saying something, so I honestly had to pass on the birthday cannibalism.
Really, not my thing...